When was the last time you were afraid of God?

Intro:

Continuing in my process through the God Encounters book – today, chapter 2.4

Questions:

• What part of your life forgets to tremble?

I don’t tremble.  I haven’t trembled in years.  It’s not who I am.  I fix things – if something is scary, I fix it, subdue it, avoid it, or crush it.  I’m not saying this is the best way to handle things, it’s just what I’ve learned.  If I can’t fix it, I get a bigger hammer.

As I write that, I’m impressed to explore the suppress, subdue, and/or crush scenario.  Hmmm…

So, I suppose the answer is- in all aspects.

Whoa. Note to self: Need some work here.  This is a spiritual discipline that I not only need to work on, but I didn’t know it existed.

• When was the last time you were afraid of God?  What caused your fear?

As mentioned in the book, maybe we’ve done such a good job rejecting Jonathan Edwards’ Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God, that we’ve forgotten that fear and trembling are OK.

However, I think I’m afraid now.  Afraid that God won’t live up to the promises I cling to.  Will He really take care of us?  Will He really shield us from persecution?  Will He really see us through this mess?

We only have enough money for two more house payments.  What happens God?  What happens next?  Did we hear you wrong?  Did we misunderstand?  What if our theology is wrong?  Will you still take care of us?

Over the past several months, since my Smiling Son was weaned, I’ve had the delightful opportunity to develop a deeper relationship with him.  It’s really been fun, exciting, rewarding, and meaningful.  There have been times where I can tell that he just adores me.  However, something happened recently.  Mommy and Darling Daughter went to an event and it was just the boys at home.  Suddenly, he got shy, timid, and maybe even a bit afraid of his Dad.

I was taken aback some.  He hadn’t acted that way with me ever.  Of course I adapted, but it was obvious that he was still quite attached to his Mommy and hadn’t quite developed that trust level with me yet.  It was as if he was looking at me, thinking, “Do you have what it takes to take care of me?  Do you know where the food and diapers are?  What if I start crying?  Will you be able to handle that?  Maybe you ought to call Mommy right now – just in case?  Maybe you ought to get her over here… um, now – just in case I start crying or something.”

So how did I handle this?  Well, a less secure parent might have been hurt and wounded to the core.  I could have taken it as an affront to my competence – or worse, as a doubting of my unconditional love of him.  But I didn’t.  I realized this was his issue, not mine.  I backed off and gave him some space.  I dialed up the fun quotient and turned on the attraction.  IOW, attraction, not promotion.  It had moderate success.  We didn’t end up with a wailing toddler begging for his Mommy – but he was sure glad when Mommy got home.

Where did I learn this? From watching others.

I’ve watched people who seemingly adore children or pets.  They walk in the door and immediately they want said children to snuggle with them.  But, um, those said children don’t know this stranger.  They have no relationship – no trust.  The kids hang back in apparent shyness.  My mother was one of those people – loved kids and was dying to snuggle with them.  Kids avoided her.

What I do is basically ignore the kids.  Say hi, smile gently, but don’t try to touch them (handshake, high-5, etc) – just focus on the tasks at hand, or the adults I came to see.  Before too long, the kids are my friend.  Same with pets – but for different reasons.  I’m not naturally drawn to other people’s dogs (especially yappy, little dogs) – or cats.  But by ignoring them, pretty soon all cats end up in my lap. (sigh)

Since that experience with my Smiling Son, we have continued to grow our relationship.  In fact when I ran a quick errand to the store Friday afternoon, he caught my attention, thumped his chest and said, “Me? Me?”  He desperately wanted to go with me – and we had a great time together.

So, here’s how I see it.

I’m hanging back, wondering: “Are you up for this God?  Do you know where the food is?  What if I start crying?  Will you know what I need?  What if I misbehave, are you going to whack me?”  Where’s this going?  Is Mommy ever coming back?  No one consulted me on this change?  I’m not so sure I can really trust you…“

Is it possible that God has adopted an attraction model also?  Is He just waiting for me to come to Him?

I think so.  I believe I don’t need to be afraid.

Before my kids could talk – and long before they could even begin to express why they were crying – they still had needs.  As a parent Dad (Mom’s have an intuitive skill/knowledge – they just know.  I always skipped the 20 questions and just asked the Mom – it was quicker), it is our job to play 20 questions and figure out why they’re crying.  But here’s the deal – just because I couldn’t figure out what was wrong, that didn’t mean that I abandoned my kids.  Even if I didn’t understand their pleas, I didn’t leave them to their own devices.

But also, children never stop asking until they get what they need.  And in those early years, they get everything they ask for.  When they get older, they try to get more than they need – and we, as parents, use our judgement to determine whether they need it or not.  We look at the big picture, the little picture, the needs vs. wants, the treat vs. spoiling, the special occasion vs. routine, and so on, and so forth, et cetera, blah, blah, blah…

My conclusion on this. It is my “job” to ask.  It is God’s job to answer.  Sometimes I’m the one-year old and sometimes I’m the 13-year old.  Sometimes I cry and babble inconsolably – sometimes I throw a tantrum – and sometimes I want something that is not only unnecessary, but downright harmful.

If I really need it, He will give it to me.  If I don’t need it – He will think about it.  If it is harmful, he won’t let me have it.

• What strikes profound reverence or awe in you? Explain.
  

Impossible answers to prayer always amaze me.  Either physically impossible, or psychic impossibilities.

10 years ago I was running out of money, soon to be married, and at a dead-end.  As I surrendered that, God showed up in the form of an email offering me a job.  All I could do is weep.

A year later, while going through the one-week church planter assessment process, I was at a crossroads in my life.  I had moved to Michigan to attend the seminary, but I wasn’t convicted that I was staying – so I didn’t unpack.  I attended church planting assessment and seminary orientation at the same time.  Towards the end of the week, while having some QT3 with God, I felt His presence.  It was intense, for it felt like He’d been silent for over nine months.  Since calling me into full-time ministry, I hadn’t really heard from Him.  But that day He showed up.

It was as if He had His hand on my shoulder and was saying, “I’ve been here the whole time.” I knew in that moment that I would be staying in the seminary and not doing a church plant anytime soon.  When the church planting assessment team sat down with me the next day to tell me the same thing, I just nodded my head knowingly.

It is these moments that inspire awe.

So here’s a self-devised question: Why can’t I anticipate that awe?  Why not act as if?  As if the answer has already been received – and start doing the awe thing already.

When my kids see me do something that would be impossible to them, they stand there, mouths agape, laughing, giggling, and begging me to do it again.  So, once again I toss the orange in the air and bounce it off my bicep and back into my hand.  Over and over, and they laugh.

• How would you define the difference between the fear the disciples experienced and the fear being advocated in Deuteronomy 10?

The disciples were afraid, God asks us to revere Him.

• In what ways can fearing and loving God happen simultaneously?  Can you love God and yet fear Him?  Explain.

Probably – or He wouldn’t have asked us to do it.

Questions like this reveal the superficiality of my faith.

Prayer:

Father God – take me to a deeper level – please.  Oh, you are?  Yeah, I was afraid of that…

Discussion:

Saturday night while cooking dinner, I put my iPod on random to play on the home stereo.  Whenever I do this, I pray that God will direct the music selections.  He always comes through.  The following song came on – it comes from the first Jars of Clay album that was pretty much my theme from 1995 to 1999.  This song, as I listened to it the other night, is a prayer I’ve been praying for several years.  The Lord is in the midst of answering this prayer.

Scary? YES!

Needed? Yes.

Trusting? I’m learning?

God Encounters: Fear and Trust

God Encounters 2.3

• What fears have you learned? Where has your trust been broken?  What is preventing you from experiencing life to the full?

Fears? Oh, that’s not an easy one. I’m a guy, we don’t have fears.  Right?  Actually, I was struck by the statement that children are born with two innate fears: loud noises and falling.  I don’t know how “they” know this stuff, but it appears to be true.  As I watch my kids learn to walk, run, play – that fear of falling seems pretty innate.  And loud noises definitely startle them.

I have some sensible claustrophobia.  Not so bad that it prevented me from doing my job as a firefighter, but enough that I would sometimes hesitate before entering some spaces.  Burning basements were kind of bizarre. The only entry and escape was often the chimney venting the fire – the basement stairs.  If that access became blocked, there was no way out.  Overturned cars in ravines were also kind of hinky.

But my fears probably run deeper.  Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of intimacy, fear of trusting another.  These issues lead me to be self-reliant, self-absorbed, aloof, and somewhat distant.  This keeps me from experiencing real, solid, and intimate relationships – on the level that would best reflect Christ’s character in my life.

• How might you rebuild your trust in God’s faithfulness?  What are the first steps you will take?

This is actually an easy answer.  But words are cheap.  The simple answer: let go

Understanding that God has a hold on me – I don’t need to hold on so tightly. To whatever?  Relationships, my kids safety, the safety of my wife – emotional, physical, spiritual, social, etc.

Just let go, and let God.  That is the first step – surrender.

• Where in your life can you acknowledge that God has been asking you to leap?  What adventures might you imagine He has in store for you?

This too is an easy one – for the leap has been made.  Last year He asked me to hold some people accountable, I did, it cost me my job.  So, here I am, with no visible means of support, with only a month or so of resources left, and no vision into the future.  It is quite scary.

It is also quite exciting.  It will be very interesting to see where God leads on the next step of the journey.

Prayer:

Father God, just for today, teach me to trust You and to let go of the artificial control I think I have of my life.

Beauty

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The last few months have been difficult.  That’s putting it mildly.  God gave me a message and a vision for my church, but it didn’t involve those who would like to think of themselves as leaders.  Instead, it involved the marginalized, the broken, the un-churched.  The vision was a for a passionate, deep, transforming relationship with Jesus.  Deeper than anything a mere knowledge of the “truth” could ever bring.  This kind of transformation only comes about through much fasting and prayer.  This type of transformation only comes when we quit trying on our own strength.

As I’ve been hiding out in Adullam’s Cave, I had this urge to read what Jeremiah wrote.  The more I read, the more discouraged I became.  I wasn’t reading about a world 3000 years ago.  I was reading about today – and it isn’t good.  I can’t bear the weight of that knowledge anymore.  I had to let it go.

So, I attempted to go back to my regular Bible reading and journaling format.  But even that led me into Ezekiel and other prophetic words of doom and conviction.  Like Elijah, I just wanted to rest on the banks of the brook Cheroth and rest.  I imagine though that in Elijah’s resting, there was hurt, dismay, mistrust, anger – I’m pretty sure he wallowed in the words God gave him and the unfairness of the leadership.  He may have even poured over the words of the prophecy.

“Did I miss something,” he wonders. “Did I misunderstand what God wanted me to say?  Maybe I was too harsh?  Not harsh enough?  Maybe I shouldn’t have run away – should I have stayed and fought for the people?  What about my family?  My cousins, brothers?  Uncles?  Oh my, what have I done?!”

For the past week or two, I’ve felt impressed that I need to find a morning worship tool that is refreshing and uplifting.  I began to look for my copy of the God Encounters book - a devotional/discipling book, co-written by some friends of mine.  But it wasn’t showing up.  Then I found it.  I promptly plopped down on the couch in my office and started reading where I left off – chapter 2.  Here is my journey…

◊◊◊◊◊ ◊◊◊◊ ◊◊◊ ◊◊ ◊

Encounter

◊ The secret is out. What difference is it going to make in your life today?

As I read the preceding pages, about God’s love through the creative process.  At first, it was just words.  “So what?”  I said.  He did that with everyone – billions of people.  That doesn’t make me special.  It’s almost like a factory…  billions of people, knit together, next!

But then it hit me.  I don’t feel that way about my kids.  Each of them is special in their very own way.  They were conceived in love – they are surrounded by grace.  They are cherished, adored, and very precious.  I feel that way about my family too – especially my nephew and nieces – not to the depth of my own kids, but pretty significant, nonetheless.

I don’t have the capacity, or the time, to love billions – but why do I doubt that He does?  I’m not so sure I doubt – it’s more like unfathomable.  I just can’t wrap my head around that.  Intellectually, I get it.  Emotionally, for some reason I feel like I’m in fourth grade again, being picked last for kickball and standing ignored in the corner of the gym.

◊ What perceptions have changed for you?  What can no longer be the same with what you now know?

Suddenly, I see the teacher looking my way.  Though I’m standing forgotten in the corner, the one in charge sees me.  One time, he came over and urged me to step into the fray.  Another time, he pointed me out to one of the team captains who was picking teams.  And still another time, he took me into his office as I cried hot teardrops of brokenness.

My God sees me.  He knows me.  He loves me – just as I am.

◊ What difference will this secret make in your life the next time you worship (alone or with people)?

Just thinking about it makes me want to worship.  I want to express my love to Him for being the lover He is.  The fullness in my chest is bursting.

◊ Why is this secret so important to living a life of God encounters?

I believe it has much to do with legalism vs. grace.  If I worship God because I have to, it is worthless.  But if I worship Him because I want to – well, that is love.

• What experiences have you had that inspired awe in you?
  • Awe can be an illusive thing.  But there have been moments:
    • When I was out of money, in seminary, ready to get married, and out of the blue I’m hired by the Rocky Mountain Conference – I wept.
    • When I had been asked to take a position in Rwanda, and after debating over it for weeks, finally I surrendered to the possibility, and God said no.  That not only brought awe, but pause.
    • Sitting on the shore of Glacier Bay, Alaska – the last morning there.  The water was like a mirror of unblemished glass, a lone wolf watched me, dolphins circled the bay, and the mountains rose is mighty and spectacular majesty.  I could only whisper, “wow.”
    • The night before, in Glacier Bay, there was a bright moon, the most spectacular Aurora Borealis that had been seen in years, a pack of wolves howling, dolphins in the bay, and the ubiquitous stars.  Magical – purely magical.
    • When my kids were born – truly stunning, humbling, awe-inspiring.
• Top five most beautiful things:
  • My kids born
  • Glacier Bay
  • Top of Mt. Whitney – with the sun rising and moon setting simultaneously.
  • The starry night from an isolated fired in Baja
  • An empty snowfield in an isolated Cascade mountain.
• Who do you enjoy sharing beautiful things with?  What motivates you to bring it to their attention?

This question baffled me a bit.  It’s like asking a man, “How do you feel?”  I don’t know the answer to that question.  Ask me what I’m thinking about and I might have more success…might.

I like to share beautiful things with my wife, my kids, those close to me – especially if they appreciate it.

But what motivates me?  Hmmmm.  I guess it would be the opportunity to make a connection.

• What might you imagine was God’s intention in creating beauty?

Well played Yoda.  You set me up with these questions.

I can only imagine that God is looking to establish a connection with us.  Which makes me think.  Instead of just sharing beauty with those in my physical realm, wouldn’t it be neat to enjoin God into the conversation – and vice versa.

IOW, sometimes, I just want to get out on my own and commune with God.  Share the beautiful sunrise with Him.  Enjoy the quiet of the awakening birds with Him.  But what if I brought my kids and taught them to appreciate God’s beauty – with God – and with me?  Or, vice versa, if I’m at the beach with my kids and I see something beautiful, what if I pointed it out to God first, and then my family?

hmmmmm…..

Prayer:

Father God.  Teach me to be more aware of your presence in my life.  Teach me to understand you, appreciate you, commune with you, and to walk with you.